Children on Marriage
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.” Camille, age 10
“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.” Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
“Both don’t want any more kids.” Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“When they’re rich.” Pam, age 7
“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” Curt, age 6
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.” Theodore, age 8
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” Ricky, age 10
A little boy was so excited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his teacher every day, when he came to school, “I’m getting a brother.”
One day his mom allowed him to feel the baby’s kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didn’t say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happened to his brother.
He replied, “I think mommy ate him.”
Johnny, if you had $5 and you asked your father for $3 more, how many dollars would you have?
I would have five dollars…
You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny…
You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch…
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
“You should give that money to charity”, said the shopkeeper.
“No, I’ll buy the chocolate. YOU give the money to charity!”
Flight to Seattle
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position in Seatle.
The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”
While trying to diagnose a problem over the phone I told the user to type out his autoexec.bat file.
He said it said, “File not found”.
I told him to do a dir.
I asked him if he saw autoexec.bat listed.
He said, “Well it says autoexec, then there’s some spaces, but no dot, and then it says bat.”
I said type this in “type autoexec.bat”.
Again he got “File not found”.
I asked him to tell me exactly what he typed.
He said, “I typed just what you told me: `type autoexecdotbat.’
A mother was walking with her four-year-old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn’t do that.
“Why,” asked the little girl.
“Because it’s dirty. It’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been. It probably has germs.”
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, “How do you know so much?”
Thinking quickly, the mother said, “All moms know so much. We have to. It’s on the Mommy Test. If you don’t know it, you don’t get to be a mommy.”
The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened. “I get it!” she said. “If you don’t pass the test, you get to be a daddy!”
“Yup,” said the mom.
Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was “driving her buggy!”
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “you know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes”, he replied reluctantly.
She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”
Hands and Knees
She came to me on her hands and knees
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”
“Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?”
“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.
“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”
She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol. “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license. “I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”