One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, “I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I’ll give you the $2.”
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”
Marvin replied, “Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”
These notices were actually found on church bulletin boards and newsletters:
1) Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.
2) Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11) The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
The dog is dead
A man named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, the dog is dead. Could ya be sayin’ a mass for the creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road, and no telling what they believe. Maybe they’ll do somethin’ for the little creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away. Do ya think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Glory be to God! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
While working on a sermon the pastor heard a knock at his office door.
“Come in,” he invited. A sad-looking man in threadbare clothes came in,
pulling a large pig on a rope. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” asked the man
with his hat in his hand.
Wordlessly, the pastor indicated the chair and the man sat down in it gingerly.
The pig proceeded to sniff around the office. With one eye on the animal and one on the
man, the pastor folded his hands on his desk and leaned forward, curious to hear the
fellow’s story. “What can I do for you?”
“My family is hungry,” started the man. “So I stole this pig. But I feel
that I have sinned. Would you please take it?”
“Certainly not,” said the minister. “Then what should I do with
it?” asked the man. “Give it back to the man you stole it from, of course!”
the pastor explained.
“I offered it to him, but he refused to take it. Now what should I do?”
“In that case,” the minister said, “It would be all right for you to
keep it and feed your family.”
“Thank you for your help, sir.” With a lighter step, he walked out of the
office, leading the pig on the rope behind him.
Later that afternoon the minister returned home to discover that somebody had stolen
his prize pig!
Priests & Rabbi
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.
The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.
The rabbi said, “I’ve got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes.”
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father” – “Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father,” “Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said. “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”